DEATH
The Master Teacher, The Alchemist, The Black Knight
The first time I encountered Death I was terrified. My Grandmother took my sister and I to a funeral with an open casket. The lifeless lady was old, ugly and suited in a black dress with red lipstick. She was SCARY and the coffin was even more scary. There was only one passageway in and out of the funeral service to which the open casket was placed right in that passageway to and from the door. Fear and Death were overwhelming in my 8 year understanding of what I witnessed that day, although Death did not stay with me, Fear did.
The second time I encountered Death, I knew Death was coming but had not yet arrived. I can recall Death clearly as I witnessed the deterioration of my Great Grandmother's physical and mental body withering away over time, she lived to the age 103! As a child, I would visit her with such eagerness to sit on the floor in front of her feet as she sat on her throne recliner to listen to her stories. She was a great storyteller of “back in her day” memories. As Death neared, she would lose space and time all together and her reality would fluctuate within her mind. Time for her was in and out of past and present relaties, one moment she would know me and the next she would be frustrated because the cows needed to be milked, chores on the farm needed to be done and we were just sitting. It was a fascinating thing to play with in my youth. From the ages of 10, 11, and 12 I knew I was witnessing the journey of Death and I was intrigued. After my great grandmother's death, I made the decision that I too was going to live to be 103 and die in my sleep. That I too would have my family all around me, that I too would slip in and out of time and space with my great grandchildren, that I too would naturally allow Death to take me as he wishes with love, sans fear. Still to this day, I hold that vision.
My next encounter with Death was when I was 13. Something about Death felt restful, calm and a place of respite. Although I will not go into this much, as that is for a different sharing, I must note that I called upon Death by swallowing as many pills as I could… begging Death to come for me. Death did not come. Depression did.
Now as an adult, I have known many to die. But more intimately, I have known myself to die. There is a period of my life I have named “The Death of a Thousand Deaths”. This was an un-intentional beginning and the most painful process of my soul's transformation. From that time, a year and a half has gone by. Death has come around a few times. In fact, so many times that I now feel an adoration and love for Death. I am in a relationship with Death, he is my Spiritual Partner.
I have felt the presence of Death to the point of self shattering nothingness. The DARK NIGHTS of the SOUL have been many long. I have cried for Death to take me, stating I can no longer feel such pain, begging for it to stop, not understanding why one must come to such agony. Not knowing how to survive, only able to breathe a breath I did not want to breathe.
Every time I have moved through such intensities without escaping or avoiding, I have let Death in more and more. In my 20’s and through my first divorce, this was not the case. I would medicate my heart and mind through many ways to not feel Death, the dark nights were ones filled with shame not transformation and certainly not love. Now, in my 40’s I knowingly will not avoid, escape or run away from the teachings of this Great Master Teacher so many fear. For now, I see Death as The Alchemist. Death is a chemist in which the nature of his love is to transform that which needs to die and release in order to be reborn. Death is the Black Knight who rides a White Stallion and visits those who are on the verge of Rebirth, physically, mentally, emotionally and Spiritually. Nature is never personal.
Death is God, God is Love, therefore Death is Love… all is Nature.
My story with Death is ever unfolding. I now embrace his presence and feel as though this master teacher has watched over me with such care. Currently, I am riding with him on his white stallion, safely embraced in his strength, courage, and wisdom, fully able to rest in his arms. I do not know where he is taking me, I do not know when the stallion will stop galloping. I do know this… where Death places me will be the gateway to my Rebirth. And that is all I need to know. For Death has whispered in my ears, “I have you now, there is nothing to do but let be”. A calm washes over me and I rest. My 13 years self knew the whisperings of Death, but until Death comes for you and you surrender into the experience of all that he brings transformation can not truly happen.
Surrendering, allowing Death to scoop you up and place you in his lap as the Stallion trots forward. Only Death and his stead know the secret gate of where Rebirth exists. The Alchemist knows the Souls journey, the Stars of one's Dharma and true Magic that you are… trust in the chemical transmutation of what Death brings and you will eventually arrive where the Cosmo’s mapped out before you were born and where Ethos exists: heart, mind and Spirit.
